This Is How Blade And I Roll.

Hey boys and girls,

My day today (many days ago) consisted of random travelers of the public laughing at me and my very American best friend (he may be referred to Blade or Newb). It all started with him needing the basics of water, cereal, condiments for hotdogs. Pretty simple stuff, I needed to get some Salsa and jelly packets (Blade tells me that, apparently, in -American- it’s called Jello…Wups? Jelly and jam = The Same – this confuses me). We went to Hipermas which is like the Spanish version of Walmart (they actually own it) and their logo is of a whale – I find this amusing.

When we were in the supermarket and I ask Blade if he needs a cart/small basket and he tells me, “Nooo.” as if he’s too good for that stuff. Turns out we’re walking around the supermarket holding everything in our hands and making most of the staff look at us because my bestfriend was ‘angry’ at me for dropping some stuff. I’d drop something and I would wait for HIM to come over and pick it up then he’d tell me I’m a useless whore and we’d repeat it all over again. This staff lady saw me drop something and said, “There’s a basket here for you guys to use, let me get it for you.” In Spanish but knowing my bestfriend is too unattractive to that idea I told her that we didn’t need it. She looked at me weird cause it was obvious we did.

When we managed to get on the bus to go back home Blade’s starts commenting that his bags are breaking – they are hipermas bags so it’s not like they’re the best quality. I didn’t buy much so I offered to take some of the condiments off of his hands. I was being a bit stupid because I’d grab something and go, “Oh..Oh..What do I have here? Mustard?” and pull out some Ketchup like I was pulling out a bunny in a magic hat, “Okay, how about some Relish now?” and I pulled out some mustard and then, “Andd anndddd Give Me Theeeeee Ketchup!” and pulled out the Relish. Blade was still screaming about his bag breaking, I told him, “Dude, this happened last time and you didn’t bother double bagging it? Don’t you learn? This is the 2nd time, dude.”

“Well, I was TRYING to, but the lady behind the counter was like giving me that angry face of Don’t TOUCH my bags and I was all chill out there lady face.”

“Dude, I’m just saying it happened before and as I recall you were freaking out over the bag breaking with the watermelon in it.”

“I’m sure she always does this, is what I’m saying, you know, she has that face of yeah, go on, go on with your breaking useless bags. This always happens dude, even though I just met her, I know it always happens cause she bags it.”

“*laughs*”

There was a moment of silence and we made some psychic sex connections and started rapping to 10,000 Cadlliacs – Kickin’ Up Dust at the very same time. We have mind reading trannies of doom (many will not understand that, but he’ll be reading and I know he’s laughing.. See..See I see you there..I’m sure you’re cleaning too, you little slut.). I’m not a fan of rap, but this song is special.

“10,000 caddlliacs swinging like a battleaxe

Skinny’s on the cuts (?) so fast you can’t straddle that.

Cops are corrupt and kids are kickin’ up dust,

Cops are corrupt and kids are kickin’ up dust,

Cops are corrupt and kids are kickin’ up dust

and it’s about to erupt the world is ready to bust.”

Okay so that part isn’t so amazing, but it’s what I’ve been listening to lately other than John The Revelator. Blade has gotten this song stuck in his head too so there are random moments where we sing it in the streets of San Jose. Friday night he was drunkish and we were dancing and singing it in front of some Metal dudes who we were walking with and they were confused. Apparently, Metal and Rap aren’t friends.

Anyway back on the bus,

Me: “Dude, do you want me to take your cereal?”

Blade: “No, it’s MY cereal.”

“Dude, you’re so useless, your bags are breaking, let me take your cereal.”

“No, my cereal, whore, it’s mine….”

“*Takes his cereal*

“….It’s fine as it is..”

“Dude, you’re so feeble that I have to take it.”

“…Grr. Fine. Fine.”

Suddenly he drops to the floor impersonating a midget and shouts out, “MY WATER BROKE!!” Everyone who was seated looked at his whiteness and there was even a couple behind us that was cracking up because we’re so amazingly awesome/retarded together.

He regains himself, “Okay, I’m going to baby carry this. Cradle style.”

Someone moves away from us cause we were being obnoxious and goes further in the back to sit in peace. I demand him to sit his sweet ass down and he sheepishly looks around and goes, “Kay…” I handed him all of my bags and he starts complaining about me holding nothing, I told him to stop being stupid and to take it like a man.

About 60% of the randomers on the bus were laughing at us, I’m not joking by the slightest bit and the other40% were, “Oh god, please, someone make them shut up.” but no one cares about them.

Bus drivers completely dislike Blade for some reason. The backdoor failed this time and the bus driver didn’t stop at our stop. Of course, this wasn’t the first incident, as last time when we were about to get off the bus, the driver started to close the doors on Blade and proceeded to drive away like everything was groovy. Blade had to jump out of the moving public transportation vehicle as the doors were closing on him, and he almost broke his face so dramatically that the bus driver stopped in the middle of the street to make sure he was okay. And then there’s me, laughing my face off and trying to convince the driver that everything was ‘pura vida man’ without sounding sarcastic. (This incident can’t be completely blamed on the bus driver, because there was a very large lady who was pushing the button 5-6 times when the paper on the bus clearly stated that it should only be pushed once. Obviously, this annoys the bus driver, who likely assumed in hindsight that it had been the two of us being immature children and pressing it repeatedly. Ugh.)